| Jan. 12th, 2008 @ 09:32 pm (no subject) |
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Current Mood:  angry
A short while ago, one of my friends posted a bulletin on LJ, stating that he want to try Adderall for his sever depression, because none of the anti-depressants he was prescribed seemed to help him. He did this partly from talking to me, and my experience with the same issues. I responded to him with the following text, and realised how much of myself I put into the response. I've added to it since then with subjects that I felt were important, but truly, I cried while writing this. I don't do that very often. I also responded like this due to the negative comments he received from all of his supposed "friends" who really just wanted to seem like they had any fucking clue of what depression was like. No matter that this person basically said "I'm going to kill myself if I can't find help". Their "concerned" response was "oooo, isn't that like SPEED? That's what I heard in the overly inflated sensationalist American Media!"
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Depression is one of those mental illnesses that people still think can be cured by "positive thinking", change in diet, and other homeopathic remedies. Those of us with depression caused by chemical imbalances (this excludes those with short term grief caused by something happening at the moment) know that this is not the case, but are continually convinced that maybe we won't have to be on medication for the rest of our lives. We WANT to believe it. Who on earth likes the idea of dependency on a pill forever? The hardest moment in my life was knowing that I could not fulfill my potential without taking a tiny pill twice a day.
My mother has suffered from extreme depression here entire life. Most people have those all important discussions with their parents about sexual identity, growing up, teenage angst, etc, sitting at the kitchen table. I had them sitting on the side of my mother's bed, which she rarely left. I would bring her coffee in the morning and chat, and come home after school and again sit by her bed and tell her of my day. The only time when she was active and happy was when she took my adderall. This caused problems for me, as I was without it for about a week out of the month....but I was so happy that my mom was "normal" during these times that I dealt with it.
Often, a parent who takes their child’s Adderall is not suffering from substance abuse, they have this hereditary illness themselves, but are discouraged by physicians. There is a rule amongst much of the the medical community that you can only be prescribed Adderall if you have been diagnosed with ADD as a child. Yet, this is a hereditary illness that has only been diagnosed and treated within the last 20 years. Many “abusers” of their own children’s medication are results of the desperation to self medicate themselves due to a lack of response from physicians. This is, I believe, one of the main reasons that Adderall is classified as a “type three highly abused medication”.
I am sick and tired of hearing the commonly quoted phrase “You know, it’s just prescribed speed”. If this was the case, speed freaks would rule the world. CEO’s would be popping the stuff like candy. I quoted that to my physician once, and she looked at me as if I were retarded, and simply said, “no, it’s not”.
My worst moment was realizing that I was my mother. I'd been tuned out and sleeping my life away when I was engaged to Mark. He was convinced that depression could be cured in other ways, and convinced me that I did not need medication. And in the end, he dumped me because I couldn't function as a "normal" person. After that, I spent years trying every type of anti-depressant on the market. They even gave me an anti-psychotic with my normal anti-depressant in the hopes that it would boost the affects. What a fucking rollercoaster.
Was I actually clinically depressed? Do I have “ADHD”? I can’t tell you. I am not hyper-active. I am decidedly hypo-active. Much of my depression lay in my lack of energy to go out and do those things which others find so easy. Perhaps my depression was not the root of my issues, but the symptom of undiagnosed ADD. Adderall works for hyperactive children, because it has an opposite affect from the normal person, it focuses and calms them. Adderall works for me because it gives me the energy I so desperately lack to function. I would constantly complain to my doctor “I have no energy. You give me anti-depressants, and they work for a time, but if I’m not depressed but still sitting on my couch watching South Park for the umpteenth time, and I’m eventually going to be depressed about not living in the real world”. I was ignored, and fed more anti-depressants, because of the stigma against Adderall.
Today, I've lost over 50 lbs, I'm happy for the first time since I was 21 years old. Adderall has helped me move upwards at work, and I'm being offered a much higher paid position on Monday, when I have my yearly review. I'm dating again, and going out to do things instead of sitting at home and self medicating (gin and vodka are not the best self medicators out there btw). I'm getting back into school, and I actually have the energy and focus to do it this time.
Do we tell schizophrenics that they'll be ok if they just don't think about the voices in their heads? Are the physically handicapped regularly sent to faith healers by their physicians, hoping that "positive thinking and personal faith" will cure them? How well have changes in diet and B Vitamins worked for the terminally depressed?
Those that are depressed to the extent of you and I are regularly categorized in the same level as the overweight, and chronic smokers. We could fix ourselves; we're just not using enough of that mystical "will power" everyone speaks so highly of. We're just not thinking about our health and eating all of our vegetables. A few blueberries and a power shake will take care of all our ills.
I’m reminded of a line in Fight Club: “I want to put a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that won’t screw to save their species”
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